Perfectly Normal by Mrs. Smith

Last Friday’s Middle and Upper School Singing Competitions were spectacular. Children from Years 2 to 6 performed throughout the afternoon in solo and group categories and the standard was astonishingly high. I’m sure that everyone who attended one or both of the two events left school, like I did, feeling proud and fulfilled.

At the Middle School Competition, something very normal and yet very special happened. One of the Year 2 girls, competing in the solo category, walked up to the stage, looked out at the hall full of children, judges and parents, became tearful and did not want to perform. She looked to Mrs. Garnes, who was stageside managing the music, and immediately left the stage. With a minimum of fuss, Mrs. Garnes wisely directed her to re-take her seat with the other competitors at the front of the hall, and moved on to the next competitor.

I happened to be the member of staff sitting closest to Amina when she returned to her seat so I leant forward, put my hand on her back, passed her a tissue and asked if she was okay. Amina knows me, of course, but not as well as she knows other members of staff. I glanced back to Mrs. Hussein, her form teacher, who was standing to offer help, and I could sense that other staff around the hall felt just as I did - that we’d like to take Amina, wipe away her tears and offer words of reassurance and encouragement. I expect her parents, watching, felt the same. I asked Amina in a whisper if she’d like to go to Mrs. Hussein and she bravely shook her head. 

It is hard to wait and watch when someone is upset or struggling. You want so much to make things better for them. It is, perhaps, one of the hardest parts of parenting or working in a school. I kept an eye on Amina as the competition continued. I watched her cry a little, dry her tears, and become engrossed in the other performances. Left alone, with the music to concentrate on, she soon moved past her difficult feelings and, when the other performers had finished, I leant forwards and asked her if she wanted to perform now. Amina nodded. I looked to Mrs. Garnes and, with no hesitation, Amina took the stage.

She gave a wonderful performance and, in the end, was deservedly crowned the Year 2 winner of the competition. She did not win because she had shown resilience and bravery, although that was certainly true (but so had all the other competitors); she won because her performance was really super.

Feeling anxious or becoming temporarily overwhelmed in a situation like this is absolutely normal, perfectly understandable and a healthy part of growing up. It can also be of great personal benefit: it is through experiencing, facing and moving past emotions like fear or nervousness that we build our self-awareness, self-esteem, confidence and resilience. The values-based education that we offer at St. Helen’s College takes one value a week - such as resilience, kindness, determination - and considers it. But teaching these values is not about describing them in words; it is the lived experience of them that embeds them and makes a person who they are. This is partly why we run our ‘value spotters’ system, through which children nominate other children who have demonstrated that week’s value.

It truly can be difficult to hold open a space while someone struggles with strong emotion. But it is crucial to allow children - and adults - to experience difficulty and find, somehow, the strength to overcome it themselves. We really do all have it in ourselves to do so. 

For this reason, during our Year 4 Mindfulness programme ‘Paws b’ the children actually watch a video of a little girl who takes part in X Factor. She feels nerves kick in and her amygdala reacts so that her ‘flight, fright, freeze’ instinct is activated. We teach the children about our brains and how we can help to control our brains with the power of our minds and simple breathing techniques. This, of course, is a life long skill for us all when we feel anxious.

When I sought out Amina after the competition to congratulate her on her win, I deliberately did not mention her wobble. But she smiled an enormous smile, holding her medal, and said, ‘Thank you. And thank you for the tissue.’ I understood from those few words that she recognised that the difficulty she had experienced that afternoon, and her ability to overcome it, was also a huge part of her reward.

Thank you, Amina, and thank you to all of the other competitors who overcame their nerves to sing so brilliantly last Friday. Although I have written about one child, you will all have felt similar feelings and will all have experienced similar personal growth, which makes you all winners. Those of you who did not win a medal or trophy will, no doubt, have experienced and learnt to overcome disappointment - another hugely valuable skill. Thank you, all of you, for the wonderful music, and thank you for the lesson. Huge thanks also to all of the parents who supported the event and, we know, supported the children in their valuable lesson. 

Mrs. Smith