Perilous Perfectionism

Many of you are aware that we are incredibly fortunate to have Mrs. Brooker on our staff at St. Helen’s College who is a trained counsellor. She is based at the Upper School but is available to all pupils and staff as another element of our pupil wellbeing support. Pupils can self refer or parents and staff can request a ‘Time to Talk’ session for a pupil in addition to the pastoral support we already provide. 

Mrs. Brooker supports the staff with wellbeing ideas too and she often shares superb blogs, podcasts and activities for us all to keep upskilling staff and supporting us in our roles with the children. I have frequently asked Mrs. Brooker to write a guest blog for us and thus far she has declined - believe it or not - with her own fear around failing and something being ‘published’ and it not being good enough - oh, the irony! However, it is so important that adults are self-aware and recognise our fears - such as fear of failure - so that we know how they may affect how we work with the children and prepare them for the next steps in their learning journey. 

I am delighted that Mrs. Brooker has taken on the challenge of writing for us and has overcome that fear of failure or her blog not being good enough! I am sure that her blog will resonate with us all and give some helpful tips. Thank you Mrs. Brooker. 

Ms Drummond
 

I heard this week how a child had become so distraught after getting one of their spelling words wrong in a test that they became angry and refused to engage in play at break. This intense distress continued all day and by home time, they insisted that their parent write to the class teacher to assure them that they had definitely learned their spelling words that week and that it was just a slight mistake in their handwriting, not that they hadn’t learnt their spellings properly.

Imagine how the child had felt as the correct spellings were read aloud that day. Can you picture the enormity of their fear of that one mistake? Perhaps the child immediately felt sick or their heart started to pound in their chest. Their legs may have felt tingly and they may have started to sweat. Rage and fear may have started to rumble in their stomach and this could have triggered angry, self-critical thoughts about themselves like, ‘You’re such a failure!’ ‘You’re always getting things wrong!’ ‘Everyone will laugh at you now!’. Automatic negative thoughts like these would have sent off messages back to the body that it is in danger and the child’s fight or flight response may have been triggered.

Perfectionism can become a problem when it fuels our anxiety and depression about who we are or who we are not. It can lead someone to feel like they are never good enough or they can’t enjoy any present accomplishments because they are worried about a future mistake or failure.

Some symptoms of perfectionism are:

Difficulty completing work because it is ‘never good enough’
High anxiety surrounding failure or mistakes
High sensitivity to criticism or constructive feedback
Low frustration tolerance to mistakes
Procrastinating around difficult tasks
Self-critical, self-conscious and easily embarrassed
Very critical of other people

Here are some tips to manage symptoms of perfectionism:

Self-esteem: Encourage your child to engage in activities that support them
feeling good about themselves.
Control: Explore with your child what they can control and what is outside of their control.
Self-talk: Encourage your child to offer themselves some kindness and compassion for the effort that went into a task rather than self-criticism.
Expectations: Check in occasionally to see whose expectations your child is looking to meet.
Effort: Remember to praise the effort your child has made and remind them it is not about the grade, it is about how much they tried.
Goals: Keep goals realistic and challenging, but most of all fun!
Share: Share stories of how you have failed, how you coped and what you may have learned from the experience.
Coping skills: Understand that failure can feel uncomfortable, but help your children to manage their disappointment, rejection and mistakes in a healthy way. Suggest offering themselves some compassion or they could do a couple of star jumps, splash some cold water on their face, talk to a friend, write a journal or draw a picture to support themselves through their difficult emotions.

Mrs. Brooker